“Innocent” Fun

All my life there has always been something I hate about my body. I hate that I have no defined waist; I hate the stretch marks on my legs; I hate my “chub” face; I hate the “chub” that hangs over at my sides; I hate the “chub” that pushes out below the back of my bra; if I had “chub” on my pinky toes I would hate that too!

This is nothing new to my family and friends. I say it so often that I don’t even realize the self-hate I have, it is just a part of me. Even when I was stage ready for my fitness competition and in the best shape of my life, I still found many things to hate.

I think the hardest person to love is yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed or sad or even ashamed, I just hate a few things about my body. Doesn’t everybody?

I recently participated in a charity fundraising fashion show event, the fashion being lingerie, put on by Moko Heathers from Belle of the Boudoir Port Elgin. As the event drew closer and closer I regretted my decision, wishing a reason would arise that I could no longer attend. But I had agreed to do it and if I say I am going to do something I do it, NOT because I am this fierce, strong woman cause I am not. It just seems logical that if you say you will do something, you do it, otherwise why would you say you would?

So here I was, the oldest, the heaviest and the one that, given my profession should be the most confident one of all. Nope. I couldn’t help but obsess over my body “issues” I hate.  As I looked at my reflection and tried to camouflage my chub I also see the other girls obsessing about their perceived flaws. Uhm what? These girls have awesome figures and looked amazing, what the hell were they going on about? I thought to myself, this is ridiculous, shut up already, you are all gorgeous. They were putting so much time and energy into flaws that only they could see. I thought, geez, why don’t they just go out and have fun, they have nothing to worry about. Give me a break! Now if they had MY flaws then I could understand. Whatever. I was there and in my outfit, I would walk out and get this over with.

Then it was showtime.

• Round 1…. I could hear people cheering and whooping it up, I could see them but my brain didn’t register any faces. Wasn’t so bad, actually was kind of fun.

• Round 2…. Forgot about my flaws and so did everyone else! Either that or we really didn’t care, now we were just having fun.

• Round 3…. OMGoodness this is a blast! We were like little girls, giggling and goofing around. No one had any flaws! What a difference it made when we stopped obsessing and started laughing. Here we all were, scantily clad with NO flaws. I can’t remember the last time I had such “innocent” fun. It was like we were 6 years old playing at the beach with only thoughts of sun, sand, water and real laughter. This was another “aha” moment for me.

 I can’t say I will ever necessarily entirely love my body. I will probably always want to change, improve, or camouflage parts of me. However, I WILL stop hating it. No one wants to hear about it either (sorry family and friends for years of inflicting this on you!) Hating my body is exhausting. What a waste of emotions I have given to this all my life. I already feel happier! I have given myself permission to have more “innocent” fun and enjoy the life that my body (“flaws” and all) has given me. Look out summer, look out life!…..Me and my “flaws” are ready for you!